Four Playing Poker  A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!

Double Your Money The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Beard bet  I want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but its bet, bet, bet.," "Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later, he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, "I bet that is a false beard." "How much?”…I said and he said "$5" "What happened?" asked the father.
"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson." "No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"

Jungle Poker  Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?

Because there were too many cheetahs.

Playing Poker with the Rent Money "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did - though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Omaha Explained  What you do is get four cards. Does not matter much what they are because nobody really looks at them anyway. Next, they put three cards on the board. It does not matter what they are because nobody really pays any attention to the flop either. Then the dealer flips one more card for the turn and another one for the river. It is the same betting scenario as before. Does not really matter much what they are, except, for a few of the players that may have "cheated" and looked at their hole cards. These players may now fold if they have absolutely no outs. (Mostly bad sports) Now, at the showdown, everybody turns over their cards and helps the dealer figure out who has the best hand. You MUST play two cards out of your hand so this usually takes a while and the winning hand is usually found after a little bit of searching by all of the players and a partially confused dealer. The dealer now pushes the pot to the wrong player and everybody yells at him and he smiles glibly and says, "Oh yeah, sorry" and then sends it in the right direction. Then, after all of that excitement dies down, everybody lets out a collective sigh of relief and gets ready to wind up and do it all over again…fun game.

Counting  Little Bobby was asked by his first grade teacher..."Bobby, do you know how to count?” Bobby replied, "Of course I do, my dad taught me". The teacher doubted Bobby, and decided to put him to the test. "OK, Bobby...what comes after three?" The teacher asked. "Four!" Bobby immediately exclaimed. "Very Good" said the teacher, "OK, what comes after six?" "Seven!" Bobby shot back immediately.

"Bobby, your father is an excellent teacher. He must be so proud of you" "Yes, he is" Bobby replied. "OK, One last test", said the teacher "What comes after ten?" Without missing a beat, Bobby replied "Jack".

Mind Bet  The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.

Poker or Her  Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John does not, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John stop by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally, she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

Open door  Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings, went to the blackjack table, and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man, he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

“You’re not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

Obnoxious Kid on poker night  This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this." The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise; they do not see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?" The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to masturbate".

Prayer For The Winning  What is the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it!

Poker Player and His Wife  A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

Poker Face  Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand; he clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, do not make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I am the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Playing poker  A 12-year-old boy comes home from school and walks into his parents' room. Mom and dad are in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "Playing poker." The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker." His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand."

The Two Rules for Ultimate Success in Poker  1, Never tell everything you know. 2,

Poker Tattoo  John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he had gotten married and raised three fine children on his winnings. Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown. John entered the hospital and was checked in to room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tattoo on his member that said, "RUSH". The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo. Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tattoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tattoo. Returning to the nurse's lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, "I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tattoo said "ROYAL FLUSH."

Professional Gambler 

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender cannot believe what he is seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender?
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". The guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I will just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy could not even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"

You lose!  Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half." Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."

Webster's Definition of Lottery  A tax on people who are bad at math.

Three wives in Las Vegas  Three friends decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first man says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second man says, "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third man says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore d**k and an a$$ full of quarters."

Quit your job, sell you house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas There is a man who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He cannot take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe." He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry." He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd. The voice says, "Go all in." He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot.
Three players call. The dealer lays down the flop, which is 8h9h10h. The voice says, "F**k."

Nun Luck  The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw.
As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor. She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering. She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man." As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?" Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said. The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She is in the chapel. May I give her a message?" "Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at the horse race."

True age?  A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 came up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.

The Las Vegas Cab Ride  A successful executive flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers and his driver’s license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" The executive had to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the executive, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well whom should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old friend who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck? The executive thought for a moment about how he could make the cabbie pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The executive got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked. "Fifteen bucks," was the reply. The executive then asks "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What? Get the hell out of my cab!"
The executive got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly, past the long line of cabs the executive gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Rabbi, minister, and priest  Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling. The officer then asks the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies, "With whom?"

The Leprechaun  A man was playing 10-20 holdem was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun. "Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars,” said the little fellow. The player replied, "Let me get even first."

Wild Cat  A stranger walks into a saloon and gets a drink. He sees a poker game and asks if he can play. He is told to take a seat. It is a no limit 5-card draw game and he is a good player. After about an hour of so-so hands, he draws Aces full and makes a sizable bet. The old guy across from him raises all-in and the stranger calls. The old guy lays down 23457o and reaches for the chips.
"Whoa, there. I've got Aces-full." "Yeah, but I've got a wild cat.", says the old guy.
"What the hell is a wild cat?" "A wild cat is 23457 off-suits." Like this, "Says the old man." The stranger starts to burn and says, "I've played a lot of poker, but I've never heard of a wild cat."
"Well, if you've played a lot of poker, you ought to know that you should learn the house rules before you play. And this here's a house rule." At that, the old guy points to a sign just over the stranger's right shoulder. The sign says, ‘House Rule - Wild Cat is a 23457 off-suit and it beats everything’ Being a gentleman and an honorable gambler, the stranger takes his lumps and settles back for more poker.
Several hours later, the stranger is dealt 23457o. He bets and the same old guy raises him the pot. Without the slightest hint of a tell, the stranger raises all-in. The old guy calls and lays down an ace high flush, and reaches for the chips. "Whoa there! I've got a wild cat.", says the stranger as he lays down his cards. "Nice hand.” says the old guy as he scoops up the pot. "What did I tell you about house rules?", as he points to a sign over the stranger's left shoulder. ‘House Rule -Wild Cat - Only Good Once a Night’

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards - You need a heart to love him, you need a diamond to marry him, you need a club to smash his f**king head in and you need a spade to bury the bastard.
A young blonde woman in Louisville, Kentucky was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Ohio River. She went to Indiana, down by the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying her eyes out. He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and
added, I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy. The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me.'
'He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Caesars
Casino, and we never leave New Albany.'