Poker Players are Never Satisfied A poker player and his dog enter a bar and discover there is a poker game going in the back room. The poker player has had a good week so he decides to join in. Most of the players are locals, but one person, a big winner, is also a stranger in town. The poker player does OK - up a little, down a little, generally holding his own. His dog sits on a chair beside him and watches the game.
About an hour into the game, the poker player gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On Fifth Street, he makes a club flush. Unfortunately, the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up card is bigger than the poker player's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the poker player pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs.”
The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he has been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit.
The poker player takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear, "You stupid dog! Can't you get anything right?"
The barkeep chides him, "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!"
The poker player responds by throwing the card face up on the table, "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the ace of spades!"

Some people just seem to have a lot of luck. A friend of mine is one of those card players who can usually draw whatever he needs to win a hand in poker, but loses big time at the races. I asked him about this once and he replied, "Well ... they won't let me shuffle the horses."

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and American are getting ready to play poker one night. Before the game starts, the American says to the Englishman, "I bet you $100 I can get our Irish friend to get up on the roof." The Englishman accepts the bet. The American then walks over to the Irishman and sure enough, he runs outside and gets up on the roof. The Englishman quickly asks, “What did you tell him?” The American replies, "The drinks are on the house"

Poker Super Heroes Superman, Wonder Woman and the Invisible Man were playing poker. In the middle of the game Superman gets an idea. He figures that if he got up and ran around the table as fast as he could, he would be able to see everyone else’s cards and nobody would be able to see him. He tries it and of course wins the hand. A few hands go by and he figures he could get away with it again. He gets up as fast as he can, starts to run around the table when ‘Smack’ he is stopped, dead in his tracks. Superman says, “What was that?” The Invisible Man says”ah, nothing”

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they will be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there is only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there is some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?" Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

How can you tell a poker player is lying? His chips are moving.

What are a Man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess and Poker (If you did not get it say it quickly to yourself).

Poker Blonde A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but I play better when I'm naked." She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head's-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. "What'd she have?" the loser asked the dealer. "I don't know," the dealer said. "I thought YOU were watching."

Blonde Plays Poker Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen french fries to a poker game? Someone told her to bring her own chips.

Excuses, Excuses Tiptoeing into the house at 5:00AM trying not to awaken his wife, but it did not help. She woke up and asked, “where the heck have you been?” Guiltily he said, "OK, I admit it. I took my secretary to dinner and one thing led to another...” "Stop lying" she interjected immediately. "YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING POKER."

Deaf-mute A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas and won $100,000. His flight arrived home at 3 A.M. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree." The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

Bad Loss At the casino I lost so badly I had to sell the car in the car park. The people at the car rental place are going to be really angry.

For Laughs I had nothing to do, so just for a laugh I went to the casino. In three hours I’d laughed away my car.

Paramedic One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

Bad Beat Harry was an avid poker player, bordering on degenerate. He played as often as he could and could hold his own. Unfortunately, he often took his bad beats too seriously and too personal. One night, after a nine hour session, Harry was dealt four aces and bet a load. George was a skinny old guy who seemed mostly interested in putting Harry on tilt. George drew three cards and Harry drew one. Harry thought about check raising, but bet $500.00, figuring George would either call or more likely fold. Instead, George pushed all his chips in the center and said, "I bet two thousand all-in". Harry couldn't believe his ears and called the bet. Grinning from ear to ear, Harry said, "Four Aces.", and reached for the chips. "Not so fast, sonny." says George. "I've got me a Straight Flush to the jack." Harry went into shock. After a moment or two, he got up and calmly walked into the bathroom. As he splashed water on his face, he noticed an old straight razor on the shelf beneath the mirror. He calmly reached up and took the razor and slashed both wrists. As he stood there bleeding into the sink, one of the stall doors opened and, Joe, a friend of Harry's walked out. Upon seeing Harry, Joe said, "Hey, Harry. A bunch of us are going over to Sam's tomorrow for some stud. Wanna go?" Harry quickly pressed his wrists together, vein on vein, and says, "What time?"

A Lawyer and a Blonde  A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde does not say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it is the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers - all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Poker George While playing poker in a local poker joint, George an avid player, noticed that in the last few days, one of the players had done extremely well. So well in fact, that George felt compelled to approach the old man and ask him what his secret was. The old timer looked at him for a second then said, “I’ll tell you, but when you play me you have to fold to me when every time I’m in the pot with you.” George thinks it over for a while, and then reluctantly agrees. The man says “first of all see John over there, he scratches his head whenever he is bluffing.” George says “oh.” The old man continues, “See the man at the end of the table, that’s Jimmy, when he has an ace, his nose flares a little bit. Now, Jeff over there, he always looks down when he has a great hand.” George says,”wow, thank you.”
They start playing and at the end of the night, George is broke. He corners the old timer and exclaims “why did you tell me those lies, I lost all my money.” The old timer says, “I’m sorry, you’re right I did tell you lies to get you to help me win.” George says, “Well, what was your secret to success then.” The old timer replies, “I made the same deal with Jimmy, Jeff, and John that I did with you”.

Deadly Poker I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Ghost of Poker Past While a man is playing poker, he sees the ghost of George Washington. "Washington," he asks. "How can I win at poker?" Washington says, "You must never tell a lie." The man thinks that is odd, because poker can be all about bluffing, but he follows through, folding on hands when he has nothing. Things do not go well; in fact, he loses almost all of his chips. He then sees the ghost of Benjamin Franklin. "What should I do?" The man asked the ghost. Franklin says, "Be inventive." The man changes tactics, bluffs on almost every hand, but still loses his shirt. With just one chip left, the man sees the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, ol' fellow, what should I do?" Lincoln answers, "Go see a play."

At butcher's shop  A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher:
"Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so the man said, "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher says, "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."

It's a Poker Thing A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. She shouted, "I overheard you talking to your poker buddies about how great Betty and Barbara were the other night!" The hubby chuckled as he explained the mix-up: "Two weeks ago I won a huge pot with pocket Queens. I called them Betty and Barbara!" "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later, he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came back to he asked, "What in heavens name was that for?" She replied..........."Your pocket pair just called."

A Bum Asks a Man for $2  The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

A Trip to Las Vegas A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "I’m going to Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

Borrowed money  Buckshot was a compulsive gambler and bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said, "Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?" Therefore, his best friend gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot's reply was "Oh, I have money put away for that."

Poker Cheatin'  Four cowboys were at an old saloon in Tombstone playing poker. A lot of money was at stake and as the cards were dealt, each was keeping a sharp eye on the other. As one of the players called the hand and laid out his cards, another one stood up in amazement. "Hey, George is cheatin'. He ain't playin' the cards I dealt him!"

Angry Old Women  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

Bingo card This man had a very attractive wife, who always wanted clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace. The man asked, "Where did you get that from?" His wife replied, "I won it at bingo" The next night she came home with a mink coat. The man asked, "Where did you get that from?" His wife replied, "I won it at bingo" The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The man asked, "Where did you get that from" His wife replied, "Look! Do not keep asking where I get my things! Go upstairs and set my bath for me!” His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked, "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The man replied, "I didn't want to wet your bingo card"

Business as usual at the Mirage  In a 10-20 Hold'em game at the Mirage, a drunk was beginning to get out of hand. "Well that was one pu$$y-pink river card from you dealer!" he bellowed after missing a flush. The dealer beheld the drunk gravely; "Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave." On the next hand, the drunk does not improve his set on the flop and looses to a straight. "Jesus Christ! Why don't you just light my f**king wallet on fire pinhead!" The dealer was absolutely at his limit; "Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!" On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and caps on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the 10-20 pot of the month. The drunk looks over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, "Do you boys pool your tips together or do you keep them for yourselves?" The dealer replies, "All dealers here keep their own tips."
The drunk tosses two green chips at the dealer and says with a grin; "Well have a D**m toke on me, mother f****r." The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, "Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."

Keep your eyes on right things  Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive brunette comes in and wants to bet ten thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing a top." With that said she pulls off her top and rolls the dice while screaming, "Momma needs a new blouse." She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I win - I win." She grabs up her money and top and quickly leaves the table. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought you were watching!"

Dog & Poker Player  What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?

In about ten years the dog quits whining.

Mary Lou A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."

Clever Books  There is a regular game of eight guys playing 3-6 NL. One day a regular brings a friend to come and play. He brings with him a stack of poker books, at the top is Super System. The regulars chuckle and start playing their normal game. Along comes a big pot, heads up between the newcomer and a regular. The game goes to the river and the regular bets (board is 10-8-J-K-Q no flush draw). The newbie sits and ponders for a little, then goes all - in. The guy starts contemplating the call, and then the newbie reaches for his drink, knocks over the top book, and reveals "How to bluff and win at poker". He says "oops" in an honest manner, and restacks the books. The regular ponders for a few seconds more and calls. The newbie shows the nuts, walks off a hundred bucks richer. He leaves the book on the table; a regular calls out to him "hey man, don't you want your books?" He replies, "No, it looks like you guys need them more than I do". When he has gone, the regulars open the book and it is empty except for one word on the first page, "Don't." Told by Doyle Brunson in his book "Poker Wisdom of a Champion"

Tipping the Dealer  A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip Me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I will take an eight.

Floor person and God  What is the difference between a floor person and God?

God does not think he is a floor person.

Pack Up A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked. "You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

Four Playing Poker  A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!

Double Your Money The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Beard bet  I want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but its bet, bet, bet.," "Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later, he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, "I bet that is a false beard." "How much?”…I said and he said "$5" "What happened?" asked the father.
"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson." "No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"

Jungle Poker  Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?

Because there were too many cheetahs.

Playing Poker with the Rent Money "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did - though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Omaha Explained  What you do is get four cards. Does not matter much what they are because nobody really looks at them anyway. Next, they put three cards on the board. It does not matter what they are because nobody really pays any attention to the flop either. Then the dealer flips one more card for the turn and another one for the river. It is the same betting scenario as before. Does not really matter much what they are, except, for a few of the players that may have "cheated" and looked at their hole cards. These players may now fold if they have absolutely no outs. (Mostly bad sports) Now, at the showdown, everybody turns over their cards and helps the dealer figure out who has the best hand. You MUST play two cards out of your hand so this usually takes a while and the winning hand is usually found after a little bit of searching by all of the players and a partially confused dealer. The dealer now pushes the pot to the wrong player and everybody yells at him and he smiles glibly and says, "Oh yeah, sorry" and then sends it in the right direction. Then, after all of that excitement dies down, everybody lets out a collective sigh of relief and gets ready to wind up and do it all over again…fun game.

Counting  Little Bobby was asked by his first grade teacher..."Bobby, do you know how to count?” Bobby replied, "Of course I do, my dad taught me". The teacher doubted Bobby, and decided to put him to the test. "OK, Bobby...what comes after three?" The teacher asked. "Four!" Bobby immediately exclaimed. "Very Good" said the teacher, "OK, what comes after six?" "Seven!" Bobby shot back immediately.

"Bobby, your father is an excellent teacher. He must be so proud of you" "Yes, he is" Bobby replied. "OK, One last test", said the teacher "What comes after ten?" Without missing a beat, Bobby replied "Jack".

Mind Bet  The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.

Poker or Her  Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John does not, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John stop by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally, she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

Open door  Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings, went to the blackjack table, and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man, he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

“You’re not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

Obnoxious Kid on poker night  This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this." The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise; they do not see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?" The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to masturbate".

Prayer For The Winning  What is the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it!

Poker Player and His Wife  A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

Poker Face  Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand; he clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, do not make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I am the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Playing poker  A 12-year-old boy comes home from school and walks into his parents' room. Mom and dad are in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "Playing poker." The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker." His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand."

The Two Rules for Ultimate Success in Poker  1, Never tell everything you know. 2,

Poker Tattoo  John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he had gotten married and raised three fine children on his winnings. Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown. John entered the hospital and was checked in to room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tattoo on his member that said, "RUSH". The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo. Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tattoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tattoo. Returning to the nurse's lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, "I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tattoo said "ROYAL FLUSH."

Professional Gambler 

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender cannot believe what he is seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender?
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". The guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I will just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy could not even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"

You lose!  Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half." Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."

Webster's Definition of Lottery  A tax on people who are bad at math.

Three wives in Las Vegas  Three friends decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first man says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second man says, "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third man says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore d**k and an a$$ full of quarters."

Quit your job, sell you house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas There is a man who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He cannot take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe." He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry." He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd. The voice says, "Go all in." He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot.
Three players call. The dealer lays down the flop, which is 8h9h10h. The voice says, "F**k."

Nun Luck  The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw.
As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor. She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering. She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man." As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?" Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said. The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She is in the chapel. May I give her a message?" "Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at the horse race."

True age?  A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 came up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.

The Las Vegas Cab Ride  A successful executive flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers and his driver’s license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" The executive had to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the executive, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well whom should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old friend who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck? The executive thought for a moment about how he could make the cabbie pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The executive got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked. "Fifteen bucks," was the reply. The executive then asks "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What? Get the hell out of my cab!"
The executive got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly, past the long line of cabs the executive gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Rabbi, minister, and priest  Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling. The officer then asks the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies, "With whom?"

The Leprechaun  A man was playing 10-20 holdem was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun. "Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars,” said the little fellow. The player replied, "Let me get even first."